There is a whole world in a tear...

A world of possibilities. A world of unfulfilled promises, a painful mourning of missed opportunities and fleeting moments of happiness. 

It glistens and falls like a raindrop and then more and more rush after it. Cathartic and cleansing as rain itself, a personal and intimate washing away of sadness and despair. Every single tear holds as much pain as it does power. 

Transforming and revealing, it flows down your face caressing every little bit of imperfect, sallow skin as it goes down, reaching the corner of your mouth, giving you a salty taste of sorrow and hope. Savour it, feel it awakening your senses one by one, taste, touch, look at yourself in the mirror, acknowledge your emotions, hold yourself, pick you up, talk to you gently, make you feel as good as you make others feel when consoling them. 

Remember to forgive you as you do others, love you as you love the person that is closest to you, spoil you as you do your loved ones, demand to be noticed if you need to. 

Do everything you need to do for you, no one else will...

 I fell into myself again...

I hardly realized it.

It was a thought that lingered longer than it should.

What was supposed to be a fleeting notion, stopped, stayed and demanded to be entertained...

and then I fell.

The thought consumed me, it fell into the void within me and shortly after so did I.

And there we were, the thought and I, falling, spiraling together, trying to hold on to one another for comfort, but instead, with every touch a searing pain jolted us apart. Like a lover you long to touch, but know you cannot be with and yet are drawn to uncontrollably, as a virtuous man is drawn to sin.

The pain is comforting, at least you feel something and when you are numb and unable to feel anything, hurting yourself, even if it is only by entertaining horrible thoughts, the aching, the yearning, the worry helps you feel something...

I fell into myself again...

and I don't know how to climb back out...

So you've been with someone for a long time, maybe even for the better part of your adult life.
No one has done anything to disrespect one another. Time has passed leaving his marks on your face, on your body, on your soul. Maybe you've grown weary of one another, maybe you've grown apart, maybe everything you're doing now seems trivial and deprived of meaning, of essence.
If you've always been right to each other, if you've always been respectful to each other, if you've dedicated your life to each other, don't be stupid now. Doing something frivolous, allowing yourself to fulfill a whim, see if you still have "it", won't change anything more than a couple of days or weeks of your day to day routine. Another person won't change your life, it might break the rut you're stuck in for a while, but it will definitely break more than that. If you are feeling stuck or bored, don't change the person you are with, change your life together. Go for a long trip, take up a new activity, remember everything that made you fall for each other, learn to have fun together again, don't change the person, change your perspective, communicate, ground each other, learn to hold each other and walk hand in hand forward again.

As women, we are born more than once during our lifetime.
Our mothers give birth to us, breathe life into us and our dads mold us.
As we grow, we reinvent ourselves, break our molds and reshape us.
We meet people that either add beautiful details to our sculpture,
or that dent or break off pieces of the work of art that we are.
Later on, should we choose to be mothers, we deliberately break
ourselves to make room for another life.
We conceptualize a new sculpture, a hopeful, emotional, work of art,
that will bring us a step closer to the love we so desperately seek.
With the births of our children, we ourselves, are reborn.
We reconfigure our bodies, expand our minds, double the size of our hearts,
we break pieces of us to make their sculpture, we cry, we laugh, we yell, we regret a lot,
we don't know what we are doing, we lose hope, we sometimes even forget who we are in the process. We struggle to come to terms with the fact that a piece of us will become and actually is
an independent growing being, walking alone, with only our love to protect them, to mend the dents that us as well as others will make, to help add details to the their own sculpture and hope that we have shown them how important it is to love and care for themselves as we love and care for them.

I have often wished I were able to take you on long journeys around the globe,
to create such wonderful memories with you, that would be strong enough to
erase everything that ever hurt you, moments that would help you feel whole again
and mend the broken parts of you that still stir inside,
reminding you of painful thoughts, otherwise buried and forgotten.

I wish I could show you the most bewildering places in the world, the most enchanting forests,
tame the wildest seas, marvel at the most stunning sunsets, talk until the break of dawn,
unveiling the secrets of love and life, satisfying the insatiable wanderlust, that is such a big part of our existence and be lost in each other without never wanting to be found outside one another again.

I only have myself to offer, words to help me paint the most magical sceneries for you,
sentences to take you along the most fascinating travels my imagination and experiences
can lead you to, i can give you sensory adventures through smell touch and taste like only I can create.
So love me like only you know how and let me love you like only I can love you
and let our essences intertwine conjuring an ethereal matter out of our purest emotions for one another.

"This too shall pass"

How many times have you heard this phrase?
When something horrible happens, something painful, something unbearable,
a friend, a parent, or even a bystander, will offer these four words of "wisdom" to you.
Have you thought of how many times you yourself may have offered these words of "comfort" to someone else? A family member, a friend, a bystander?

What does it even mean anyway?
Chronologically speaking, yes time passes, he waits for no one. When we are happy everything seems to go by extremely fast. When we are bored time lingers longer. When we are in physical pain, time passes excruciatingly slow. When our soul hurts, time seems to stand still as if to let us experience loss, depression, painful realizations to the fullest. Everything passes eventually, leaving space and time to be completed with something else, but memories linger.

"Time heals all wounds"

Physical wounds of course!
Time is a great healer of the body in most cases.
What of permanent body damage? What about the mind or the soul?
That is an entirely different matter.
Memories, loss of  important abilities, loss of loved ones, regrets... no time doesn't help.

"Out of sight, out of mind"

Partially true, our mind keeps busy throughout our days with daily, mundane things, grocery lists, work tasks, mental notes to self: put clothes on, drive car, walk, brush teeth, bathe, go to sleep.
And just before you go to sleep, when finally in bed, a revision of your day takes place in your mind.
Lists made, boxes ticked, requirements fulfilled, forms submitted, now what?
You start thinking of your life choices, reevaluate your actions, regrets? Many!
An ex that you still miss? A friend that is now a foe? A family member that is gone and that you miss dearly? None of the above ever leave your mind entirely. Your sight? Of course. Your mind? Rarely.

Expressions of comfort are exactly that. They are meant to comfort you, to calm you, to help sedate the pain, but they are only partially true, nothing is ever really forgotten, even if you voluntarily try to forget, a small corner in the back of your head will be filled with the memories you are trying to suppress, a small crack in your heart will always be filled with emotions and scars you are trying to hide.

Live with the pain and the memories, don't hide your scars, wear them as a badge of honor, all your experiences good or bad are proof that your alive and trying your best. Live your life without judgement and regret.

"Live and let live".

Speak in whispers my love, sigh silently, heavily,

let your breath caress my ears.

Muffle your moans so that only I can hear.

Let me hide under the sheets and give you shivers of pleasure.

Touch me softly, intently, touch me with your hands,

your tongue, make me quiver in return.

Let our bodies pulsate in unison,

as our chests heave up and down, in rhythmic tandem movements,

kiss me, breathe life into me and let me shake in your arms as you do in mine,

together as one body, sighing, embracing tightly,

feeling each other’s heat run through us.

There used to be magic, there used to be laughter, there used to be moments you never wanted to end. Things felt simpler, words made more sense, winters seemed longer, cosier, springs were endless and summers shone brighter, autumns never came. Careless, happy and free roaming the streets, tackling the waves of  high seas, trekking through forests by lakes and lying on the grass looking at the stars. The wind refreshing, the water cleansing and the sky infinite. I looked into your eyes and i could see the world, you looked into mine and you would see the deepest oceans, the abyss that was my soul, the unsettling depths of my thoughts. You got scared of my silence and grew distant, my abyss no longer excited you, you couldn't see the wonders hiding in it anymore, you couldn't see the colors or glimpses of fluorescent lights, the swirls of smiles and waves of love. You only saw darkness and despair, you no longer wanted to venture to the centre of my being, to solve the mystery of my existence and left to sail in calmer seas, less deep with clear waters,  no mysteries of the deep, no surprising twists. And then autumn finally came and i found comfort in my solace and in the yellow colors of the falling leaves, in the light rain and in the crisp morning air. Every dawn a rebirth, every sunset a small death, every night a reshaping ceremony of me.

Trust me,  show me what you hide from everyone else,
tell me all the words that you wanted to say, but never dared to speak out.
Share your most inner thoughts with me,
nothing is too little or too insignificant, i want to know you inside out.
The most horrible moment, the most pleasant memory,
your worst fear, your biggest desire.
I am here for you, as a friend, as a lover,
don't be afraid to open up to me, i will be your refuge, your haven,
your cove of tranquility and your sea of pleasure,
give me all the parts of you that you hate and i 'll turn them into love.

I don't want to think anymore,
I don't want to feel anything,
I wish for my mind to go silent
and my heart to go numb.
I want a quiet lake to look at,
a cloudy sky embroidered with
threads of sunlight and a
breeze, so that the tree leaves may
whisper poems to my torn soul.
I want to lay on the grass, take in the sky and just be lost in time and space, as the sunbeams caress my face and the sound of the water calms the tempest brewing inside me.

                                                        For Vincent...

Tonight, I write to you...
Tonight, I write for you
and about you...
I write in honour of your golden, sunbathed sunflowers and your lilac irises...
I write in awe of your turbulent skies and your enchanting starry nights...
I write in recognition of your greatness, your gentleness, your passion, your sensitivity and your fragility...
I write to you, me, a nobody, to tell you that your imagery and your words have touched the darkest corners of my soul...
I want to tell you, to let you know,
"You felt deeply, you felt tenderly"...

                           

Maybe i am too shy...
Maybe i need to be more relaxed and play it cool...
Maybe i should be more assertive and confess what i feel...
I can't...
I don't know how to do this...
I don't know how this game is played...
I can't pretend, I can't hide my feelings when i am around you...
My eyes betray me when my look rests upon your face, studying your features, trying to memorize your expressions and your smiles.
My hands keep trying to find ways to touch you, my body moves around you like a satellite around a planet.
I am drawn to you like a moth to a flame...
I am afraid to touch you, but i want to feel you...
I am here in front of you, broken, vulnerable, baring my soul to you, showing everything i am and everything i am not...
I am not perfect, i am real.
I am not special, i am true.
Maybe it's enough, maybe it's not.
Maybe i am enough, maybe i am not...

Play with me the game of seduction.
Surrender to temptation, let me blindfold and caress you.
Let me feel your body shiver at my touch.
Let me tantalize your senses.
Let me brand your skin with fiery kisses on your neck, ear lobes and lips.
Let my mouth explore your body and my breath cool your heat.
Let me hear your sensual moans when I gently bite you.
Let go and fall in the whirlpool of pleasure I have created for you.
Let me entice you in an encounter of lust and passion.
Let go and let me take over.

Let me...

I am walking down a path of intense emotions and fluctuating sentiment.
I cannot ask you for your time,
but I 'm thrilled when you find a few fleeting moments to give me.
I cannot ask you for your words,
but waves of contentment wash over me when you freely share them with me.
I cannot ask for your presence and yet I feel a surge of excitement when you appear.
My path feels like a tight rope and I am an acrobat trying to balance his mind and soul.
You affect my course, I loose sight of my target and fall in a whirlpool of verses.
Art consumes me, I float on clouds of poetry and there I find you.

I love it when you smile earnestly,
when your eyes fill with sincere joy
and that just for at least a moment
all your cares seem to fade away.
I love how the green in your eyes shines brighter and that your look is more vibrant.
How you hide your mouth with your hand, because you don't want to show your whole smile, as if its too real and others might see that you are genuinely happy.
I sometimes feel that you are afraid to express emotions, especially joy,
you seem so troubled most of the time,
that i can't help but think that your smiles and your laughter are very special
and very rare.

I don't want to think anymore,
I don't want to feel anything,
I wish for my mind to go silent
and my heart to go numb.
I want a quiet lake to look at,
a cloudy sky embroidered with
threads of sunlight and a
breeze so that the tree leaves may
whisper poems to my torn soul.
I want to lay on the grass,
take in the sky and just be lost in time
and space, as the sunbeams caress
my face and the sound of the water
calms the tempest brewing inside of me.

I am constantly torn between two choices:
locking my heart completely or sharing it more often.

Sharing my heart usually ends up with me being either overjoyed or shattered.
Can those brief moments of happiness counter part the  pain and
convince me to continue giving myself to others?

Locking my heart makes me feel safe, secure but also withdrawn and empty.
I always expose to much of me, perhaps to early and I either scare people
away with my sincerity or overwhelm them by sharing too much.
I have yet to find a balance between protecting my feelings and sharing them with others.

Carnal desire overwhelms me
when you come near me.
My imagination runs wild
when you look at me.
There are but a few meters between us,
but in my mind we are already naked, unable to contain ourselves.
When I hear your voice,
I shiver with lust,
I see your lips moving all over my body
and me clenching the sheets
shivering with pleasure.
I want to pin you down to the floor and leave you breathless with my insatiable appetite. I want you to loose control and sigh heavily, I want you to beg me for more.

It's been a few days now that you 've returned to my thoughts
against my better judgement.
I don't know why,
i don't seem to be able to control it,
you are lost, wandering between
my mind and my heart,
leaving me with bitter sweet memories
of a long lost friend.
I reminisce back to the last time we saw each other, an uncomfortable goodbye
and a promising hug that stated how important we were to one another
and that we would not forget our time together...
But, i guess life has a strange way of altering words and promises once people are no longer close in proximity,
it seems that we loose touch and forget,
as the saying goes: out of sight out of mind...

Since you never felt the need to see me, really know me,
since you were content with only touching the surface of my lake
and never exploring my depths, I resign.
Someone that was happy with my light,
but was not willing to explore my darkness
and touch the star that flickers in the center of my being,
does not deserve my words.