I fell into myself again...

I hardly realized it.

It was a thought that lingered longer than it should.

What was supposed to be a fleeting notion, stopped, stayed and demanded to be entertained...

and then I fell.

The thought consumed me, it fell into the void within me and shortly after so did I.

And there we were, the thought and I, falling, spiraling together, trying to hold on to one another for comfort, but instead, with every touch a searing pain jolted us apart. Like a lover you long to touch, but know you cannot be with and yet are drawn to uncontrollably, as a virtuous man is drawn to sin.

The pain is comforting, at least you feel something and when you are numb and unable to feel anything, hurting yourself, even if it is only by entertaining horrible thoughts, the aching, the yearning, the worry helps you feel something...

I fell into myself again...

and I don't know how to climb back out...