I fell into myself again...

I hardly realized it.

It was a thought that lingered longer than it should.

What was supposed to be a fleeting notion, stopped, stayed and demanded to be entertained...

and then I fell.

The thought consumed me, it fell into the void within me and shortly after so did I.

And there we were, the thought and I, falling, spiraling together, trying to hold on to one another for comfort, but instead, with every touch a searing pain jolted us apart. Like a lover you long to touch, but know you cannot be with and yet are drawn to uncontrollably, as a virtuous man is drawn to sin.

The pain is comforting, at least you feel something and when you are numb and unable to feel anything, hurting yourself, even if it is only by entertaining horrible thoughts, the aching, the yearning, the worry helps you feel something...

I fell into myself again...

and I don't know how to climb back out...

So you've been with someone for a long time, maybe even for the better part of your adult life.
No one has done anything to disrespect one another. Time has passed leaving his marks on your face, on your body, on your soul. Maybe you've grown weary of one another, maybe you've grown apart, maybe everything you're doing now seems trivial and deprived of meaning, of essence.
If you've always been right to each other, if you've always been respectful to each other, if you've dedicated your life to each other, don't be stupid now. Doing something frivolous, allowing yourself to fulfill a whim, see if you still have "it", won't change anything more than a couple of days or weeks of your day to day routine. Another person won't change your life, it might break the rut you're stuck in for a while, but it will definitely break more than that. If you are feeling stuck or bored, don't change the person you are with, change your life together. Go for a long trip, take up a new activity, remember everything that made you fall for each other, learn to have fun together again, don't change the person, change your perspective, communicate, ground each other, learn to hold each other and walk hand in hand forward again.

As women, we are born more than once during our lifetime.
Our mothers give birth to us, breathe life into us and our dads mold us.
As we grow, we reinvent ourselves, break our molds and reshape us.
We meet people that either add beautiful details to our sculpture,
or that dent or break off pieces of the work of art that we are.
Later on, should we choose to be mothers, we deliberately break
ourselves to make room for another life.
We conceptualize a new sculpture, a hopeful, emotional, work of art,
that will bring us a step closer to the love we so desperately seek.
With the births of our children, we ourselves, are reborn.
We reconfigure our bodies, expand our minds, double the size of our hearts,
we break pieces of us to make their sculpture, we cry, we laugh, we yell, we regret a lot,
we don't know what we are doing, we lose hope, we sometimes even forget who we are in the process. We struggle to come to terms with the fact that a piece of us will become and actually is
an independent growing being, walking alone, with only our love to protect them, to mend the dents that us as well as others will make, to help add details to the their own sculpture and hope that we have shown them how important it is to love and care for themselves as we love and care for them.

I have often wished I were able to take you on long journeys around the globe,
to create such wonderful memories with you, that would be strong enough to
erase everything that ever hurt you, moments that would help you feel whole again
and mend the broken parts of you that still stir inside,
reminding you of painful thoughts, otherwise buried and forgotten.

I wish I could show you the most bewildering places in the world, the most enchanting forests,
tame the wildest seas, marvel at the most stunning sunsets, talk until the break of dawn,
unveiling the secrets of love and life, satisfying the insatiable wanderlust, that is such a big part of our existence and be lost in each other without never wanting to be found outside one another again.

I only have myself to offer, words to help me paint the most magical sceneries for you,
sentences to take you along the most fascinating travels my imagination and experiences
can lead you to, i can give you sensory adventures through smell touch and taste like only I can create.
So love me like only you know how and let me love you like only I can love you
and let our essences intertwine conjuring an ethereal matter out of our purest emotions for one another.

"This too shall pass"

How many times have you heard this phrase?
When something horrible happens, something painful, something unbearable,
a friend, a parent, or even a bystander, will offer these four words of "wisdom" to you.
Have you thought of how many times you yourself may have offered these words of "comfort" to someone else? A family member, a friend, a bystander?

What does it even mean anyway?
Chronologically speaking, yes time passes, he waits for no one. When we are happy everything seems to go by extremely fast. When we are bored time lingers longer. When we are in physical pain, time passes excruciatingly slow. When our soul hurts, time seems to stand still as if to let us experience loss, depression, painful realizations to the fullest. Everything passes eventually, leaving space and time to be completed with something else, but memories linger.

"Time heals all wounds"

Physical wounds of course!
Time is a great healer of the body in most cases.
What of permanent body damage? What about the mind or the soul?
That is an entirely different matter.
Memories, loss of  important abilities, loss of loved ones, regrets... no time doesn't help.

"Out of sight, out of mind"

Partially true, our mind keeps busy throughout our days with daily, mundane things, grocery lists, work tasks, mental notes to self: put clothes on, drive car, walk, brush teeth, bathe, go to sleep.
And just before you go to sleep, when finally in bed, a revision of your day takes place in your mind.
Lists made, boxes ticked, requirements fulfilled, forms submitted, now what?
You start thinking of your life choices, reevaluate your actions, regrets? Many!
An ex that you still miss? A friend that is now a foe? A family member that is gone and that you miss dearly? None of the above ever leave your mind entirely. Your sight? Of course. Your mind? Rarely.

Expressions of comfort are exactly that. They are meant to comfort you, to calm you, to help sedate the pain, but they are only partially true, nothing is ever really forgotten, even if you voluntarily try to forget, a small corner in the back of your head will be filled with the memories you are trying to suppress, a small crack in your heart will always be filled with emotions and scars you are trying to hide.

Live with the pain and the memories, don't hide your scars, wear them as a badge of honor, all your experiences good or bad are proof that your alive and trying your best. Live your life without judgement and regret.

"Live and let live".

Ήμουν κουρασμένο παιδί, αργότερα εξαντλημένη έφηβος

και μετά μία ταλαίπωρη ενήλικας.

Είχα αρχίσει να φροντίζω τους άλλους από μικρή,

να νοιάζομαι για τα πράγματα που συνέβαιναν στους γύρω μου,

να ανησυχώ για τον κόσμο μου.

Παρόλα αυτά, μεγαλώνοντας η κούραση με βάραινε όλο και περισσότερο,

το νόημα της ζωής, της ύπαρξης, με προβλημάτιζαν συνεχώς,

μέχρι που κατάλαβα ότι η ευθύνη των πάντων δε βάραινε μόνο τους δικούς μου ώμους.

Δεν έπρεπε να αναλάβω εγώ τα πάντα για όλους.

Άργησα να συνειδητοποιήσω αυτά που συνέβαιναν σε μένα,

άργησα πολύ εαυτέ μου να νοιαστώ για σένα, σε παραμέλησα,

σε έβαλα στην άκρη και σε ξέχασα.

 Μετά κατάλαβα ότι έπρεπε να φροντίσω και 'μένα,

να προστατεύσω και 'μένα, να μ' αγκαλιάσω, να με μάθω,

να με αποδεχτώ, να μ' αγαπήσω.

Γι' αυτό έστω και τώρα εαυτέ μου, σου υπόσχομαι ότι δε θα σε

ξαναπετάξω και ούτε ποτέ θα ξαναφήσω άλλον να σε μειώσει

να σε υποτιμήσει, να σε παραγκωνίσει.

 Από 'μένα, σε 'μένα, για 'μένα, μου το υπόσχομαι.

Θέλω να αγγίξω το μπλε της ψυχής σου,

θέλω να βαφτώ μ' αυτό το χρώμα που έχει κατακλύσει το κέντρο της ύπαρξής σου.

Θέλω να κολυμπήσω στο αχανές βάθος του μυαλού σου,

να καταλάβω τις αποχρώσεις των σκέψεων σου

και να παραδοθώ στο γαλάζιο των απόκρυφων παθών σου.

Θέλω να δω όλα όσα κρύβεις στην αδάμαστη θάλασσα

που αέναα αναμοχλεύει τις λέξεις μέσα σου,

τις έννοιες που σε βασανίζουν,

τα αισθήματα που ξεχειλίζουν από μέσα σου,

είτε με λόγια, είτε με δάκρυα.

Θέλω να είμαι εκεί να καταλαγιάζω

τα κύματα που φουσκώνουν και πνίγουν τη φωνή σου,

θέλω να είμαι εκεί να αγκαλιάζω τους δαίμονες

που ξεπηδούν από μέσα σου και σε τρομάζουν,

να τους μιλώ με λόγια μελίρρυτα, να χαϊδεύω τα αυτιά τους,

να τους ψιθυρίζω και να τους εμφυσώ ηρεμία κοιμίζοντάς τους γλυκά.

Άσε με να είμαι εκεί για σένα, για όλα, σε όλα...